Criminal Minds: A Parody Episode

[raefinlay]

Opening scene: Innocent woman minds her own business. (La la la, walks in park, la la la) Creepy music indicates that dangerous Unknown Subject is somewhere nearby. Unsub approaches. Woman's face is mask of horror as she realizes Her Imminent Doom. Jerky camera work and cheap effects emphasize How Very Awful this crime is while at the same time diluting it suitably for network TV.

--quick shot of cool government issue jet flying through pretty clouds--

Inigo Montoya Voiceover: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one." --Mister Spock

Infodump Inside Jet scene:

Inigo: Unsub stabbed his victim once in the heart, once in the stomach, and then slit the carotid artery. Then he collected at least 3 pints of blood in ziplock baggies, and placed them at the scene next to the words "I hate women" which he wrote out using popsicle sticks.

Greg: This kind of organization indicates that we are dealing with an organized killer. Because of the organization. And also the attention to detail.

Everyone on plane: *nods sagely*

Elle: But why are we being called in?

Inigo: Well, grasshoppah, this is the fifth murder in a month. Same M.O.

Reid: *pushes bangs out of eyes* 97.8% of all serial killers who decorate the scene with popsicle sticks have extensive backgrounds in either Legos or Linkin' Logs.

Nameless Hot Guy: *says something insignificant that no one remembers*

Inigo: And we already have the beginnings of a profile.


Crime Scene scene:

--loffly park--

Greg: Oo, lookit these pictures. The victim's eyes are closed.

Inigo: He does not want his victim watching him while he collects blood and writes messages with popsicle sticks. He is ashamed of himself, so he closes his victim's eyes. We are dealing with a coward, someone with low self esteem, especially regarding his own physical appearance.

Elle: But, Inigo, last time we had a victim with closed eyes, you said we were dealing with a fearless sociopath who felt his victims were unworthy to view the brilliant work he was performing.

Greg: Yeah! And the time before that, you said it was because the Unsub couldn't bear being watched ever since he was made fun of for peeing his pants on stage while performing in his high school musical.

Inigo: Yes. But this show has lousy consultants.

Everyone: *nods sagely*

Greg: Coroner places the time of death at 10 pm.

Elle: Remarkably, the blood staining all these leaves is still bright red instead of brown.

Greg: But red looks better on camera. Also, this show has lousy consultants.

Inigo: Since he kills at night, we can assume he works during the day.

Elle: Maybe it's just easier to kill at night when no one can see?

Reid: Maybe he kills at night because his victims all have day jobs and he doesn't have access to them during the day?

Greg: Maybe he kills at night because his night job as a pizza delivery guy provides an excuse for being out and about?

Inigo: Maybe. But for plot purposes, the writers need this guy to have a day job. Also, this show--

Everyone: --has lousy consultants.

Reid: 98.2% of all criminals with instances of public peeing in their history were beaten by their mothers for wetting their diapers.

Inigo: *looks off into space* Tell the local police we have a profile.

Profile Presentation scene:

Inigo: We are looking for a white male between the ages of 25 and 45. He is meticulous and neat. So meticulous, in fact, that he suffers from OCD, which for you viewers at home, stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He probably has a military background. And drives an American car.

Greg: He is a sociopath, which means he suffers no guilt for what he does. He has a day job.

Hot Guy: *looks hot*

Elle: He was abused by his mother. By killing, he is acting out a fantasy of breaking free from his mother's control. He hates women because, yanno, he was abused by his mother. His first murder may have in fact been....*drumroll*...his mother.

Cops in room: WOW! *gaze worshipfully* The rumors are true...Geeks are cool!

Gratuitous Unsub POV scene: *stalks next victim*

Closing In On the Killer scene:

Inigo: I just got the bestest idea. How about we try to determine who his next victim is based on our brilliant profile? Then, we can catch him In the Nick of Time!

Everyone: ooooo!

Reid: 99.5% of all serial killers with OCD go ten years or more without missing their 6-month dental cleaning.

Inigo: Excellent! Hot Guy! Call Garcia.

Hot Guy: What are you talking to me for? I have no skills or distinctive characteristics. I'm just hot and racial. You could cut me from the show and no one except horny women (and a few men) would notice. Tell Dharma's husband to do it.

Inigo: But you're hot. Garcia will type faster for you.

Hot Guy: *calls Garcia* I need you to hack into the sooper seekrit database of dental appointments and tell me if there are any males in the area who have not missed a single appointment in the last 10 years AND who have a military background.

Garcia: *types furiously* You do realize I am the only truly cool character in this show, right?

Hot Guy: Yes, sweet thang.

Garcia: I think I have something for you. Three men meet that description, and one of them... *types furiously* ...is president of the local Lego Club.

Hot Guy: I adore you. (The producers would never actually let me do you, cuz you're, yanno, a little overweight, but that's what makes this little flirtation so harmless and fun, right?)

Garcia: *winkwink*

Hot Guy: *hangs up* I have a name and address! I have made a contribution to this show! I want a raise!

At Home of Serial Killer scene:

Elle: Lookit, everybody! I found pictures in the Unsub's bedroom. Lots and lots of pictures of women, next to a Lego sculpture of his mother. They're all blond, just like his mother.

Greg: All their faces are X-ed out, except for these right here.

Inigo: *looks grave* This one here looks like she's next in line.

Reid: 100% of serial killers who photograph their victims before killing them own cameras.

Inigo: We must rush to Blond Chick's house! We must save her!

Elle: But I thought you said the Unsub only kills at night.

Inigo: Yes, but for dramatic purposes, this killing is going to occur during the day. If it happened hours from now, there would be no urgency. But don't worry, when this sort of plotting hangup occurs, the writers just say the Unsub is "escalating."

Elle: ooo, let's go, then!

Greg: Good thing that in addition to being brilliant psychologists, we're all field certified as well as extensively trained in how to handle hostage situations.

Everyone: *phews*

Final Climactic scene:

Everyone: *rushes into home*

Inigo: FBI! Open this bedroom door!

--sounds of struggle from behind door--

Hot Guy: *kicks door down* And lo, I have contributed again! So if someone ever leaves the show, it should be Elle, not me.

Inigo: Drop your knife right now!

Unsub: *about to stab blond girl in heart* *blubbers* *looks twitchy*

Greg: Watch it. We know you better than you know yourself. If you don't give up right away, we will accost you with Psychological Manipulation.

Unsub: I must kill her. I MUST. If I don't, the voice of my mother mocking me for peeing on my Legos will never go away.

Inigo: *has sincere eyes* But the voice only goes away for a little while, doesn't it? It always comes back, louder than before.

Unsub: *eyes widen* *looks at Inigo like he is GOD*

Inigo: Really. You don't want to do this. I promise, if you put the knife down, I can help you make the voice go away.

Unsub: *looks deeply into Inigo's eyes* *although he has murdered 7 women, is a sociopath, and was abused by his mother, he suddenly sees reason and lowers his knife*

Greg: *rushes forward to arrest him*

--quick shot of cool government issue jet flying through pretty clouds--

Inigo Voiceover: "Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Denouement Inside Jet scene:

Reid: I want a date.

Elle: Ask J.J. out.

Reid: Who's J.J.?

Greg: She's the cute blond who is our face to the media. Except for pedophiles, no one knew who she was until about the 6th or 7th episode.

Reid: Oh, you mean the one who looks 12 years old? Perfect! *sidles over to JJ* Yanno, I'm not a Geek. I just play one on TV. Really, I'm a supermodel. My purpose is to act as validation for Geeks everywhere. Because if you look deep enough, there's a hot guy/girl in every Geek.

J.J.: Excellent! And I'm not really 12 years old. Let's end this scene on a heartwarming note that has nothing to do, plotwise or thematically, with the entire episode.

Everyone: smiles sagely

THE END

Comments

[ccfinlay.livejournal.com]

I love the general perversity of the universe that you posted this at almost the exact same moment that matociquala posted her latest Criminal Minds fic.

The flist is a mighty thing.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

It was the universe's way of providing me with an episode I actually like.

[mekkavandexter.livejournal.com]

at least you noticed shemar is hot.

[ccfinlay.livejournal.com]

And that Garcia is the only cool character on the show. (The only way she could be cooler is if she spoke in a Canadian accent.)

[mekkavandexter.livejournal.com]

hee. she is, isn't she ;)

i am sad rae is not absorbed by the meta! saddened! (she probably didn't cry like a baby during Riding the Lightning either.)

(ps hi rae ;))

[ccfinlay.livejournal.com]

She didn't, and neither did I! The only thing that episode moved me to was exasperation!

Alas, I am not buying into Criminal Minds so far, and I am probably a bad influence on Rae's enjoyment. CM has these beautiful grace notes here and there, and some wonderful character moments, and then it has such terrible clangy false notes and inconsistencies that I throw things at the TV. I was probably the perfect audience for this parody.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

Ah well, I was hoping you guys would like this show.

But you know, this is why I could never watch tv or go to movies with my ex. He'd be shredding the plot and the characters, and I'd be lost in the story, the emotion and the characters. I let the story and the fantasy carry me. I watched movies to be entertained, not to pick them apart.

::shrugs:: Different tastes, different needs.

[ccfinlay.livejournal.com]

I watch movies and tv for the exact same reason you do! I love to be entertained!

Unfortunately, this show isn't really entertaining me. The emotions and the characters just aren't working for me. Which is why they make so many different shows, because different people connect with different things.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

The show does something right, cuz I'm still watching it. In fact, I can't. quite. stop. (It might be Reid and Garcia. They are almost fun enough to carry the show all by themselves.) And you're NOT getting them back until I've seen every single episode.

But certain things, ie. "He murders at night therefore he works during the day" are just too hilarious to take seriously.

But then, laughing at a show is its own form of entertainment.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

I *almost* got a tear! It was The Hug that pushed me over.

[writerswife.livejournal.com]

I don't even watch that show and it made me laugh like crazy. Fun stuff!

[irysangel.livejournal.com]

This makes me laugh, because I hate that show with a terrible passionate hate. I keep waiting for the day some poor exec will go "OMG! It's crap!" and yank it off the air.

Alas.

[sksperry.livejournal.com]

Tell Dharma's husband to do it. LMAO!

[palinade.livejournal.com]

This was funny!

And sad but true. I always get the feeling that Mandy Patankin is just sleeping through his role. At least Matthew G.G. looks earnest and changes his facial expressions about eight times a shot. And yes, Garcia is the coolest character on the show.

And yes, I can't help but watch, too. :)

[rabiagale.livejournal.com]

*giggle* Haven't seen the show, but your mockery of it is awesome. :)